depersonalisationandme

“I have a brain like a sieve” is a phrase that comes out of my mouth about 3 times a day. This in itself is quite true as I have very little capacity to store short term memories. By Tuesday for example I have little or no recollection of the day before or where I am. I wake up early and have to re-jig my mind into remembering where I am and who I am surrounded by.

Most days I get up and can’t recognise myself let alone any-one else. That is my secret to spending so much time in the bathroom. God forbid you stick me in front of a mirror (espeically in a public toilet, people think your a wee bit strange if your staring in a mirror for ages)  I get stuck trying to work out if it’s me that is looking back or its the girl standing next to me or neither it’s just distorted I could be a 3ft Asian dwarf for all I know.

I hate photographs that I don’t take myself. If I take a photo of myself the photo comes out as I see myself so I can recognise that at that time in my life this is what I perceive myself to look like. But if other people take pictures it’s not there I’m looking at someone I don’t recognise and in a situation I have very little memory of. I don’t have time to process the situation I was in.

If anybody comes near me with a camera I go into a really embarrassing and normally external panic and to top it all off I usually burst into tears. People just can’t understand what it’s like to be shown a picture of you and just be immediately filled with such an intense feeling of hatred towards the person who took it, the person who’s showing it to you but most of all yourself. Who can’t recognise themselves in a photo? Even if it’s an embarrassing photo of being out on the town you can still recognise yourself.

I’ll sign off today with another track: Evanescence – Everybody’s Fool

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ewO5NWQ97sI&feature=channel

You can indeed put a pair of muddy ugg boots through the washing machine and they come out fine and dry really quickly. I stared mesmerised during the 54 minute cycle watching my shoes being not spun but beaten & flipped around in the washing machine. I spend a lot of time watching my washing machine I imagine that’s why I get very little done round the rest of the house & my water bill is so high!

To sound really pitiful you could say like was similar to a pair of shoes in the washing machine. You go in muddy and worn out, hardly keep your head above water and are continuously chucked into the wall. Although the cycle last a lot longer than a 54 min quick wash.

You come out clean in the end though so it’s something to keep focused on!

Would also like to that the time before I forget all about it to bring up 2 very important issues.

1.       Why have I chosen to blog? – On recommendation of my counsellor to write down my thoughts, images, hallucinations etc… As I either tend to let it build up and become all encompassing or forget things that are important. This blog isn’t for anyone else it is for me, as I can’t lose my mental notes here.

2.       Being a victim? – I have never used the word victim in regards to myself, and never intend to. I am not a victim, nor do I pretend to be. I am however just a little bit messed up by events in my past. See the dictionary definition for victim below.

Victim (plural victims)

1. (original sense) A living creature which is slain and offered as human or animal sacrifice, usually in a religious rite; by extension, the transfigurated body and blood of Christ in the Eucharist.
2. Anyone who is physically harmed by another.
3. An aggrieved or disadvantaged party in a crime (e.g. swindle.)
4. A person who suffers any other injury, loss, or damage as a result of a voluntary undertaking.
5. An unfortunate person who suffers from a disaster or other adverse circumstance.
6. Narratology. A character who is conquered or manipulated by a villain.

 http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/victim

I’ll leave off today with another amazing track.

Keane - Spiralling

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=M-LZ7yH-JBM

Sometimes you have one of those light bulb moments through all the proverbial darkness and gloom something just clicks and says enough is enough. I’d like to think that’s the little bit of fight you have left inside you.

Anyway I had that moment early hours of this morning after waking up for the third time in a panic. I spent all yesterday evening filling in questionnaires so somebody, somewhere supposedly trained to deal with this kind of “mental trauma” can tell me how “mental” I am. Stupid questions like:  Some people have the experience of finding themselves in a place and having no idea where they got there on a scale of 0% - 100% what percentage of time does this happen to you. Well jeezus I should of had the men with the white coats kicking the door in as soon as my pen touched the paper.

But it was the second questionnaire that puzzled me I don’t see the relevance to physical pain with depersonalisation? However while filling in the sheets and answering questions like:  I dislike tastes I usually like (other than pregnancy or monthly periods), I dislike smells I usually like, I cannot sleep, Nausea and others about aches and pains it makes you wonder if those are actually a manifestation of your thoughts.

After seeing the counsellor on Wednesday, she left me with lots of think about and some relief and escape from the weeks before. I’m still confused but realise in the grander scheme of things that the things that are happening at the present are directly affected by what happened in the past & I will not do very much about it until I am in a position to deal with the past. I also need to learn to let things in the “present” go. If I can master letting the irritants of now fly over me then it should be easier to tap into the Pandora’s box and empty it once and for all.

Been away for a day and it’s just as well, it’s been amazingly hectic! Finally got all the Christmas shopping done, but need to wrap it all up now. I hate wrapping presents!

The last 48 hours were crazy, internally I’m really confused and hurting but externally I am the calmest and most level headed I’ve been in a long time. Sort of contradicts itself doesn’t it!

I’ve been accused, lied too, dumped, cuddled, loved & asked out in the last 48 hours! Manic stuff.

You feel like you really know someone and let them in to places that no-one has ever been into before to be greeted swiftly after with someone who lies & does twisted things to people. Knowing my past history with sexual violence I am left confused and humiliated. But I guess this is exactly what he was going for.

A cross between feeling hurt, confused, relieved and unattached swim over me when I think about it. Do I really care that much? No I guess not, people like that deserve to be alone. Oh well onwards and upwards!

About 8.30pm a knock on my door and I was greeted with someone I haven’t seen in a good few months, it was nice to catch up and have a cuddle, He had brought a friend who had me in stitches for hours.

A scrummy Chinese take-away, a few beers and an episode of Jackass later I collapsed into bed gone midnight and the lads let themselves out. Best night I’ve had in ages, I slept straight through no nightmares, no hauntings etc…

Cooked some Christmas cookies today, little shortbread 4 baking trays full! They are like rocks now so I don’t think they came out like they should of done but they are tasty anyway. But I’ve been wandering around with a knot in my stomach feeling guilty, I really don’t know why…

Blimey kids know how to get up your nose don’t they! Rudely awoken by a screaming one year old in the wee hours of this morning, frightened the Heebie Jeebie’s outta me! Screams peircing through the air like a madman with an axe of taking great hunks of flesh outta someone! left me lacking any way of getting back to sleep, so I am absolutely cream crackered!!

Today has been a better day, although I find myself list in my reflection looking in the mirror & seeing someone with a black expression looking back at you, it is like you are looking at a stranger. Do I really look like that person in there?? Is that really me??

Funny thing I thought I’d share, The world in my eyes looks like its painted there, I have no sense of realism at all…. It’s not like an abstract vomit of colours painting but rather like the paintings by Monet, detailed & beautiful but so obviously unreal.  To look at someone and see them as a colour pallet with smudgy edges is bizarre to say the least….  

I’ve got a throbbing headache this evening I imagine it from sheer tiredness over the last few days. At 6pm I would quite happily curl up under my duvet & feel no guilt in falling to sleep.

So i’ll sign off with a song, that i hear often but never really listened too… Its worth listening really hard to the lyrics…

Eddie Vedder- Society. From the Into the Wild Soundtrack, Magic stuff!http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Cy6iwP9Ux3A

A broken night of sleep, but one of the best I’ve had in a while. Got away from the four walls of home to stay with my partner for a few days, He has no clue really of what goes on in my mind, but is the loveliest man in the world.

I continue to be “haunted” by the girl, who I wonder if she is the projection of the hidden fear or hatred that is inside me. I fear sleep as the nightmare’s that come every night, I fall asleep through sheer exhaustion in the end, and the battle to fight off sleep is always lost.

I feel guilty that through my own negative energy at night that I may put the same negative energy through the others that sleep in the same room. At home alone, I don’t fear as much as it’s only me that is haunted by these feelings, but to share a bed means that every jolt, every scream & every murmured cry directly affects the person I am in bed with. I feel too guilty to sleep… I feel so trapped by the images & thoughts that swirl continuously around me, not just at night but during my every waking moment.

I feel no need to hurt myself or others, so the images don’t have much meaning, in stressful circumstances they seem to be worse, like I have no coping method when under pressure or critics.

Strange huh!

Finally managed to drag myself out of bed at 9am this morning, although i’d been awake a good few hours, a broken nights sleep filled with dreams of my ex’s turning my friends against me? sounds stupid doesn’t it, but its been such a real part of my life the last few months, in and out of bad relationships, ex’s hacking into my emails, online networking sites etc and causing trouble.

 I’m so tired, I need to sleep but i worry that if i sleep i allow myself to be haunted again. I’m left with a feeling today that i can’t even go downstairs and get the milk which is gradually being heated up by the sunlight today.

I have a constnat feeling of someone watching me, and although i know she is there i can’t always see her.

Who is her? well she is the girl that haunts my every sleeping moment & sometimes when i’m awake to.

Think of the girl from “The Ring” and you’ll have a rough idea of who is following me around.

I’ve managed to secure myself a little piece of the WWW to blog about me & my life, maybe other things too. So who is this mystical crazy person that you are reading about, well to be honest you have just about as much of an idea as I do right now. All I know is I have a Dissociation Disorder, more specifically I have a depersonalisation disorder.What does that mean? Depersonalisation Disorder – this is a recurrent feeling of being detached from yourself or your feelings.I’ll tell you more about it later, this is all giving me a headache!