Dec 13 2008
Too Guilty to sleep
A broken night of sleep, but one of the best I’ve had in a while. Got away from the four walls of home to stay with my partner for a few days, He has no clue really of what goes on in my mind, but is the loveliest man in the world.
I continue to be “haunted” by the girl, who I wonder if she is the projection of the hidden fear or hatred that is inside me. I fear sleep as the nightmare’s that come every night, I fall asleep through sheer exhaustion in the end, and the battle to fight off sleep is always lost.
I feel guilty that through my own negative energy at night that I may put the same negative energy through the others that sleep in the same room. At home alone, I don’t fear as much as it’s only me that is haunted by these feelings, but to share a bed means that every jolt, every scream & every murmured cry directly affects the person I am in bed with. I feel too guilty to sleep… I feel so trapped by the images & thoughts that swirl continuously around me, not just at night but during my every waking moment.
I feel no need to hurt myself or others, so the images don’t have much meaning, in stressful circumstances they seem to be worse, like I have no coping method when under pressure or critics.
Strange huh!
