depersonalisationandme

“I have a brain like a sieve” is a phrase that comes out of my mouth about 3 times a day. This in itself is quite true as I have very little capacity to store short term memories. By Tuesday for example I have little or no recollection of the day before or where I am. I wake up early and have to re-jig my mind into remembering where I am and who I am surrounded by.

Most days I get up and can’t recognise myself let alone any-one else. That is my secret to spending so much time in the bathroom. God forbid you stick me in front of a mirror (espeically in a public toilet, people think your a wee bit strange if your staring in a mirror for ages)  I get stuck trying to work out if it’s me that is looking back or its the girl standing next to me or neither it’s just distorted I could be a 3ft Asian dwarf for all I know.

I hate photographs that I don’t take myself. If I take a photo of myself the photo comes out as I see myself so I can recognise that at that time in my life this is what I perceive myself to look like. But if other people take pictures it’s not there I’m looking at someone I don’t recognise and in a situation I have very little memory of. I don’t have time to process the situation I was in.

If anybody comes near me with a camera I go into a really embarrassing and normally external panic and to top it all off I usually burst into tears. People just can’t understand what it’s like to be shown a picture of you and just be immediately filled with such an intense feeling of hatred towards the person who took it, the person who’s showing it to you but most of all yourself. Who can’t recognise themselves in a photo? Even if it’s an embarrassing photo of being out on the town you can still recognise yourself.

I’ll sign off today with another track: Evanescence – Everybody’s Fool

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ewO5NWQ97sI&feature=channel

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