depersonalisationandme

Grrr, 

I have this overwhelming urge to grab my landlord by the gonads and shake him! Its common knowledge that my landlord is a complete tighta**e, and refuses to spend money on the properties he lets out, but is more than happy to lavish the money on his new cars,self built house and snobby children. Whilst we the tenants stupid enough to take on the properties are stuck living in somewhere you wouldn’t house a bloody animal!

I took on this place out of sheer desperation and I’ve regretted it ever since, from day 1 there has been problems! and to find out that recently i haven’t even got a legally binding tenancy agreement because he’s too much of a tight wad to buy one!!

But to top it all off, Today really was the last straw. Ive managed to cope with the broken bath, sink, shower,front door, wallpaper falling off the walls, mould, broken windows and very dodgey electrics for the last 11 months, However i received my quarterly electric bill through this morning.

 £325.00 in 81 days!! That’s not even a whole 3 months! Well I’m convinced my meter is broken, but its not the meter is fine, its actually because my c**t of a landlord hasn’t serviced the boiler or the storage heaters in the last 4 years and they are all knackered!

 I don’t no whether to scream or cry! My bill is now over £400 and I’ve only just paid off the same problem from last winter!

There goes the money i am saving for the deposit on a new house, I now cant afford to heat the house so all the heating is turned off and i now have to start re-saving for a deposit somewhere else so it looks like I’m going to be stuck in this complete sh*thole for at least another year!

But there are worse things going on in the world so i am trying not to feel sorry for myself! Just back to the drawing board and see what happens next!

Laying in silence has become deafening so I’ve decided to get up and face the day rather than laying in the dark thinking.

That’s got to be apart from my weight issues the thing i hate about myself the most. I think far to much, whether its over analysing or day-dreaming or just off in a completely different reality i can never switch off and can’t concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, by some loony doctor on the basis of flying fish and hunter gatherer theories,but we took it as a pinch of salt at the time! 

I have so much to do today! and it makes me laugh inwardly that the panic i woke myself up in this morning was about making sure i’m up in time to put the bin on the road for the binmen.

My daughter’s hidden the digi cam and well God only knows where she’s put it as I really can’t find it, which is a pain as we are preparing to move house in a few months and i’ve started listing all our junk on ebay. 

I have a lady coming around this afternoon to pick up a baby bouncer, and i have some baby boys converse shoes to send to France, my first international buyer! how exciting

It’s interesting to get the cash value of your stuff, I’ve made about £35 on the 4 items that have sold, of things that are just getting in the way at home. Things I’ve got down from the loft too, now that was an experience in itself! but i’ll leave that for another day.

Looking at the rest of the eBay pile there must be another £60ish worth of stuff from PS2 games (I don’t have a ps2) to DPM utility waistcoats, Arsenal kit  << I would hate to be mistaken  for an Arsenal fan, they were in the loft from the last people that lived here. And loads of baby clothes and shoes! 

I will set that as my aim for the next few weeks once i’ve found the digi cam, get the stuff listed on ebay and out of the way!

Out with the old and in with the new in 2009

Still hanging onto the glimmer that 2009 is going to be a better year for me,and although it has been relatively good to me so far. Apart from my minor kitchen blaze, I found myself the last two or three days falling down the same slippery slope i haven’t visited for a while.

 There is no trigger, January blues maybe?

I think i’ll be using this alot more now as my counselling finished last week, I’m now waiting on a full assessment in the next few months when i will get my “label” Until i’ve been labeled and have the GP’s say so i cannot go down the routes for  more therapy which is agreed all round that i need.

Maybe not having the weekly counselling is the main cause, I did in a funny way enjoy them being able to “brain dump” the emotions into a neutral place away from the real issues of home and family. I can walk  away from them without it a constant in my mind all week.

There is an advantage to have a dissociative disorder and i find that in spending so much time inside my mind rather than in “reality” I quite often come up with amazing ideas, inventions, plans, business’s, products, you name it!  That I’m sure if i had any sort of normal existence i would have a comfortable living by now.

Take a few days ago, I have come with a really interesting idea one to cause a giant social experiment, however i have absolutely no idea how on earth i would make that little idea a reality. That is where the negative part of this disorder is. I spend so little time in a reality state of mind that it is impossible for me to focus for more than a few minutes on things, which isn’t good for business at all.

It’s an increasingly frustrating problem. Here i am trying to get back to work, however there is no way i could sit in-front of a computer or a phone from 9-5, I need constant stimulation that is rapid changing to remain focused for more than a few minutes on something, otherwise i black out for hours on end and havent the foggiest whats gone on around me!

With the cutbacks and layoffs, i’m finding it hard to find just any job let alone one i would actually be able to work in….

Its been a long break from blogging now, having to deal with the rush of Christmas and the anti-climax of the sodding new year! But luckily have a dissociative disorder means its all very quickly fading from my memory!

Finally back into routine after my first counselling session after the Xmas break. It was a hard and emotional session but opened up the small piece of sanity that still remains into a few other avenues to why i am like i am.

I have done some things recently i am not proud of and wish i could understand where that “dark side” of me comes from? I don’t want to believe i am a bad person but i am increasingly showing myself up-to be. Which is a shame considering how much i have changed my focus in 2009. I will make some big changes this year,but the chances are as i continue to push the people that care for me away that i will be very much alone when i make them….