depersonalisationandme

Grrr, 

I have this overwhelming urge to grab my landlord by the gonads and shake him! Its common knowledge that my landlord is a complete tighta**e, and refuses to spend money on the properties he lets out, but is more than happy to lavish the money on his new cars,self built house and snobby children. Whilst we the tenants stupid enough to take on the properties are stuck living in somewhere you wouldn’t house a bloody animal!

I took on this place out of sheer desperation and I’ve regretted it ever since, from day 1 there has been problems! and to find out that recently i haven’t even got a legally binding tenancy agreement because he’s too much of a tight wad to buy one!!

But to top it all off, Today really was the last straw. Ive managed to cope with the broken bath, sink, shower,front door, wallpaper falling off the walls, mould, broken windows and very dodgey electrics for the last 11 months, However i received my quarterly electric bill through this morning.

 £325.00 in 81 days!! That’s not even a whole 3 months! Well I’m convinced my meter is broken, but its not the meter is fine, its actually because my c**t of a landlord hasn’t serviced the boiler or the storage heaters in the last 4 years and they are all knackered!

 I don’t no whether to scream or cry! My bill is now over £400 and I’ve only just paid off the same problem from last winter!

There goes the money i am saving for the deposit on a new house, I now cant afford to heat the house so all the heating is turned off and i now have to start re-saving for a deposit somewhere else so it looks like I’m going to be stuck in this complete sh*thole for at least another year!

But there are worse things going on in the world so i am trying not to feel sorry for myself! Just back to the drawing board and see what happens next!

Laying in silence has become deafening so I’ve decided to get up and face the day rather than laying in the dark thinking.

That’s got to be apart from my weight issues the thing i hate about myself the most. I think far to much, whether its over analysing or day-dreaming or just off in a completely different reality i can never switch off and can’t concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, by some loony doctor on the basis of flying fish and hunter gatherer theories,but we took it as a pinch of salt at the time! 

I have so much to do today! and it makes me laugh inwardly that the panic i woke myself up in this morning was about making sure i’m up in time to put the bin on the road for the binmen.

My daughter’s hidden the digi cam and well God only knows where she’s put it as I really can’t find it, which is a pain as we are preparing to move house in a few months and i’ve started listing all our junk on ebay. 

I have a lady coming around this afternoon to pick up a baby bouncer, and i have some baby boys converse shoes to send to France, my first international buyer! how exciting

It’s interesting to get the cash value of your stuff, I’ve made about £35 on the 4 items that have sold, of things that are just getting in the way at home. Things I’ve got down from the loft too, now that was an experience in itself! but i’ll leave that for another day.

Looking at the rest of the eBay pile there must be another £60ish worth of stuff from PS2 games (I don’t have a ps2) to DPM utility waistcoats, Arsenal kit  << I would hate to be mistaken  for an Arsenal fan, they were in the loft from the last people that lived here. And loads of baby clothes and shoes! 

I will set that as my aim for the next few weeks once i’ve found the digi cam, get the stuff listed on ebay and out of the way!

Out with the old and in with the new in 2009

Still hanging onto the glimmer that 2009 is going to be a better year for me,and although it has been relatively good to me so far. Apart from my minor kitchen blaze, I found myself the last two or three days falling down the same slippery slope i haven’t visited for a while.

 There is no trigger, January blues maybe?

I think i’ll be using this alot more now as my counselling finished last week, I’m now waiting on a full assessment in the next few months when i will get my “label” Until i’ve been labeled and have the GP’s say so i cannot go down the routes for  more therapy which is agreed all round that i need.

Maybe not having the weekly counselling is the main cause, I did in a funny way enjoy them being able to “brain dump” the emotions into a neutral place away from the real issues of home and family. I can walk  away from them without it a constant in my mind all week.

There is an advantage to have a dissociative disorder and i find that in spending so much time inside my mind rather than in “reality” I quite often come up with amazing ideas, inventions, plans, business’s, products, you name it!  That I’m sure if i had any sort of normal existence i would have a comfortable living by now.

Take a few days ago, I have come with a really interesting idea one to cause a giant social experiment, however i have absolutely no idea how on earth i would make that little idea a reality. That is where the negative part of this disorder is. I spend so little time in a reality state of mind that it is impossible for me to focus for more than a few minutes on things, which isn’t good for business at all.

It’s an increasingly frustrating problem. Here i am trying to get back to work, however there is no way i could sit in-front of a computer or a phone from 9-5, I need constant stimulation that is rapid changing to remain focused for more than a few minutes on something, otherwise i black out for hours on end and havent the foggiest whats gone on around me!

With the cutbacks and layoffs, i’m finding it hard to find just any job let alone one i would actually be able to work in….

Its been a long break from blogging now, having to deal with the rush of Christmas and the anti-climax of the sodding new year! But luckily have a dissociative disorder means its all very quickly fading from my memory!

Finally back into routine after my first counselling session after the Xmas break. It was a hard and emotional session but opened up the small piece of sanity that still remains into a few other avenues to why i am like i am.

I have done some things recently i am not proud of and wish i could understand where that “dark side” of me comes from? I don’t want to believe i am a bad person but i am increasingly showing myself up-to be. Which is a shame considering how much i have changed my focus in 2009. I will make some big changes this year,but the chances are as i continue to push the people that care for me away that i will be very much alone when i make them….

“I have a brain like a sieve” is a phrase that comes out of my mouth about 3 times a day. This in itself is quite true as I have very little capacity to store short term memories. By Tuesday for example I have little or no recollection of the day before or where I am. I wake up early and have to re-jig my mind into remembering where I am and who I am surrounded by.

Most days I get up and can’t recognise myself let alone any-one else. That is my secret to spending so much time in the bathroom. God forbid you stick me in front of a mirror (espeically in a public toilet, people think your a wee bit strange if your staring in a mirror for ages)  I get stuck trying to work out if it’s me that is looking back or its the girl standing next to me or neither it’s just distorted I could be a 3ft Asian dwarf for all I know.

I hate photographs that I don’t take myself. If I take a photo of myself the photo comes out as I see myself so I can recognise that at that time in my life this is what I perceive myself to look like. But if other people take pictures it’s not there I’m looking at someone I don’t recognise and in a situation I have very little memory of. I don’t have time to process the situation I was in.

If anybody comes near me with a camera I go into a really embarrassing and normally external panic and to top it all off I usually burst into tears. People just can’t understand what it’s like to be shown a picture of you and just be immediately filled with such an intense feeling of hatred towards the person who took it, the person who’s showing it to you but most of all yourself. Who can’t recognise themselves in a photo? Even if it’s an embarrassing photo of being out on the town you can still recognise yourself.

I’ll sign off today with another track: Evanescence – Everybody’s Fool

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ewO5NWQ97sI&feature=channel

You can indeed put a pair of muddy ugg boots through the washing machine and they come out fine and dry really quickly. I stared mesmerised during the 54 minute cycle watching my shoes being not spun but beaten & flipped around in the washing machine. I spend a lot of time watching my washing machine I imagine that’s why I get very little done round the rest of the house & my water bill is so high!

To sound really pitiful you could say like was similar to a pair of shoes in the washing machine. You go in muddy and worn out, hardly keep your head above water and are continuously chucked into the wall. Although the cycle last a lot longer than a 54 min quick wash.

You come out clean in the end though so it’s something to keep focused on!

Would also like to that the time before I forget all about it to bring up 2 very important issues.

1.       Why have I chosen to blog? – On recommendation of my counsellor to write down my thoughts, images, hallucinations etc… As I either tend to let it build up and become all encompassing or forget things that are important. This blog isn’t for anyone else it is for me, as I can’t lose my mental notes here.

2.       Being a victim? – I have never used the word victim in regards to myself, and never intend to. I am not a victim, nor do I pretend to be. I am however just a little bit messed up by events in my past. See the dictionary definition for victim below.

Victim (plural victims)

1. (original sense) A living creature which is slain and offered as human or animal sacrifice, usually in a religious rite; by extension, the transfigurated body and blood of Christ in the Eucharist.
2. Anyone who is physically harmed by another.
3. An aggrieved or disadvantaged party in a crime (e.g. swindle.)
4. A person who suffers any other injury, loss, or damage as a result of a voluntary undertaking.
5. An unfortunate person who suffers from a disaster or other adverse circumstance.
6. Narratology. A character who is conquered or manipulated by a villain.

 http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/victim

I’ll leave off today with another amazing track.

Keane - Spiralling

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=M-LZ7yH-JBM

Sometimes you have one of those light bulb moments through all the proverbial darkness and gloom something just clicks and says enough is enough. I’d like to think that’s the little bit of fight you have left inside you.

Anyway I had that moment early hours of this morning after waking up for the third time in a panic. I spent all yesterday evening filling in questionnaires so somebody, somewhere supposedly trained to deal with this kind of “mental trauma” can tell me how “mental” I am. Stupid questions like:  Some people have the experience of finding themselves in a place and having no idea where they got there on a scale of 0% - 100% what percentage of time does this happen to you. Well jeezus I should of had the men with the white coats kicking the door in as soon as my pen touched the paper.

But it was the second questionnaire that puzzled me I don’t see the relevance to physical pain with depersonalisation? However while filling in the sheets and answering questions like:  I dislike tastes I usually like (other than pregnancy or monthly periods), I dislike smells I usually like, I cannot sleep, Nausea and others about aches and pains it makes you wonder if those are actually a manifestation of your thoughts.

After seeing the counsellor on Wednesday, she left me with lots of think about and some relief and escape from the weeks before. I’m still confused but realise in the grander scheme of things that the things that are happening at the present are directly affected by what happened in the past & I will not do very much about it until I am in a position to deal with the past. I also need to learn to let things in the “present” go. If I can master letting the irritants of now fly over me then it should be easier to tap into the Pandora’s box and empty it once and for all.

Been away for a day and it’s just as well, it’s been amazingly hectic! Finally got all the Christmas shopping done, but need to wrap it all up now. I hate wrapping presents!

The last 48 hours were crazy, internally I’m really confused and hurting but externally I am the calmest and most level headed I’ve been in a long time. Sort of contradicts itself doesn’t it!

I’ve been accused, lied too, dumped, cuddled, loved & asked out in the last 48 hours! Manic stuff.

You feel like you really know someone and let them in to places that no-one has ever been into before to be greeted swiftly after with someone who lies & does twisted things to people. Knowing my past history with sexual violence I am left confused and humiliated. But I guess this is exactly what he was going for.

A cross between feeling hurt, confused, relieved and unattached swim over me when I think about it. Do I really care that much? No I guess not, people like that deserve to be alone. Oh well onwards and upwards!

About 8.30pm a knock on my door and I was greeted with someone I haven’t seen in a good few months, it was nice to catch up and have a cuddle, He had brought a friend who had me in stitches for hours.

A scrummy Chinese take-away, a few beers and an episode of Jackass later I collapsed into bed gone midnight and the lads let themselves out. Best night I’ve had in ages, I slept straight through no nightmares, no hauntings etc…

Cooked some Christmas cookies today, little shortbread 4 baking trays full! They are like rocks now so I don’t think they came out like they should of done but they are tasty anyway. But I’ve been wandering around with a knot in my stomach feeling guilty, I really don’t know why…

Blimey kids know how to get up your nose don’t they! Rudely awoken by a screaming one year old in the wee hours of this morning, frightened the Heebie Jeebie’s outta me! Screams peircing through the air like a madman with an axe of taking great hunks of flesh outta someone! left me lacking any way of getting back to sleep, so I am absolutely cream crackered!!

Today has been a better day, although I find myself list in my reflection looking in the mirror & seeing someone with a black expression looking back at you, it is like you are looking at a stranger. Do I really look like that person in there?? Is that really me??

Funny thing I thought I’d share, The world in my eyes looks like its painted there, I have no sense of realism at all…. It’s not like an abstract vomit of colours painting but rather like the paintings by Monet, detailed & beautiful but so obviously unreal.  To look at someone and see them as a colour pallet with smudgy edges is bizarre to say the least….  

I’ve got a throbbing headache this evening I imagine it from sheer tiredness over the last few days. At 6pm I would quite happily curl up under my duvet & feel no guilt in falling to sleep.

So i’ll sign off with a song, that i hear often but never really listened too… Its worth listening really hard to the lyrics…

Eddie Vedder- Society. From the Into the Wild Soundtrack, Magic stuff!http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Cy6iwP9Ux3A